2005

You know something, ever since the Tsunami hit, I'm not feeling anything. I mean nothing. My mind's a total blank. I'm not even thinking anything. I thought so many times of writing something, for myself, for my blog. But just a blank. It's not that I've gone numb, or maybe it is. It's not that it feels distant. It's not that it feels as if it happened in another world and why should I care. I've just blanked out emotionally towards that. Usually, when something like this happens, I feel something, sorrow, anger, something. But this time it's really strange. It's like as if the shock, the scale, the whole intensity and immenseness of it is way above my threshold of feeling. It's not that I feel indifferent, it's just that I feel with something like that in front of me, there's really no point in feeling anything. Suddenly, I feel as if I've glimpsed the vastness and power of nature and of the universe and in front of that it's not that I'm helpless - it's just that I'm insignificant. Totally absolutely irrelevant. In the real scale of this world, in the actual scale of things that really matter, I'm not even a statistic.

In the vastness of space and time, humanity is not even a factor of any equation. Did you ever think of that? All the theories and principles of physics make no mention of humanity as a factor. It's as if all those equations always existed and we're just getting glimpses of them and calling them discoveries. We're applauding ourselves and patting each other on the back of having a better understanding of our world, of our universe, but the truth is that it doesn't matter a damn. If tomorrow the whole human race were to be wiped away, nothing would change. Does beauty, esthetics, poetry, song and art hold any room? Does the sun care how beautiful it looks through fogged up mountains? Does the moon care how it looks in the middle of a desert in a pitch black sky? Does Saturn care if we think it's rings are the most miraculous thing in the solar system and that she's always trying to flaunt what she has? Does Jupiter bother about how big a bully we think it is and if we call it's red spot 'angry'?

Does poetry matter? Does art? What about our relationships? And what about our lives?

What about love?

Things we base our whole lives, worlds, universes around. Are they real? Are they material? Things we live for? Things we fight over? Things we feel vain and proud about? All this technology. All this politics. All this creativity. For what? For what?

Nothing at all. Zip, blank, null. Nothing matters. Nothing at all.

People live, die, because that's all that they can do. There's really nothing more is there? It's like a bacteria culture in a petri-dish. That's what the whole thing amounts to. Even worse, maybe. Maybe it's not even an experiment. Maybe there's really no ultimate goal or path. Maybe, at the end of it all it's not important that we know the truth. Maybe it's even worse than that, maybe at the end of it all, the truth itself is irrelevant.

We take pride in our infallibilty. We take pride in being able to predict whether it'll rain tomorrow. Somehow, we think because we understand the Theory of Gravitation, we KNOW where the earth will be ten years from now. And somehow, we think all that knowledge makes us powerful. We don't believe in God anymore, we belive in ourselves. We've become our own Gods. And suddenly, out of the blue, we get this thing hammerred into us - 'No matter how much you know, how much you calculate, how much you believe or how much you care, love and share - you don't matter'

What do you belive in now? Do you belive in God more? Or less? Do you believe in the human intellect more? Or less? Do you believe that the next time we'll be in a better position to prevent a calamity like this? Do you think if the whole world were to focus on keeping itself alive it would help? Do you?

Happy New Year to everyone. Let's all pretend.

Let's all pretend that we're alive. Let's all pretend that every lungful of air we breathe is a miracle. Let's all pretend that the smiles, the laughs and the tears really matter. Let's all pretend that the borders exist. Let's all pretend that the New Year has just begun. Let's all pretend that tomorrow the sun will come up again.

That's all life is about, isn't it? A whole lot of pretensions. Pretensions of excitement, of adventure, of ups and downs, of ecstasy and dispair.

And in the end of it all? What happens when all the pretensions are over? What happens when you close your eyes for the last time and say goodbye to the world you created?

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I'm at a loss of words. I've run out. I want to shed a tear. I want to grieve. I want to feel sorry for all those people. For all those families and children. For all those lives never lived. For all those lives never experienced. For all those lives never pretended. For all those lives which didn't realise what beauty meant. What love is. What music feels like. What art looks like.

What life is.

Yes, it's nothing. But still, it's our creation. It's what we nurture and imagine and form, over time, over years, using our minds as tools. It's what we add colour to, it's what we put tunes into, it's what we put magic in words to move whole peoples by. It's a hug, it's a smile, it's a laughter. It's warm rain on the face, it's cold snowflakes on the tongue. It's the mist in the trees, it's the swaying of the palms, it's the sea roaring in a shell. It's the moon peaking after an eclipse, it's the sun glinting through the rainbow. It's the breeze in the hair, it's the warmth of a hand held. It's a joke shared and a shoulder leaned upon.

Yes, it's all in our heads. But that's all we have.

Here's wishing another year to everyone. Let's share what we have while we have it.



Donations
Tsunami Help Blog - tsunamihelp.blogspot.com
Very good list of aid agencies (Zoo Station)
Om Malik's Tsunami Help Campaign

Others
BoingBoing on Tsunami links